Underestimate

Nobody truly understands

My battles, the ones I try

Too win,  closing off the monsters

Living within

I am suicidal

But I don't want to die

But the thoughts plague me

And there's no where to hide

Did you hear me?

I DON'T want to die

Your so quick to assume

Thats I hate my life that bad

But in reality I just can't

Figure out how to fit in

My brain is like a clock

Batteries never running out

Ticking away all ours of the

Night, the sound driving me

Insane, but I can't turn it off

Even when my eyes are so heavy

And I feel like I might collaspe

My brain keeps going

Trying to win

But you don't see my struggle

Nobody does

They choose to live their life

Ignoring the people around them

Like a shadow, you know its there

But you pay it no mind

Have you ever asked how it

Feels late at night, while you

Stare at the ceiling and suddenly

The feeling haunts you crawling

Up your skin, line vines finding

A new place to grow

It's terrifying as you watch

The darkness surround you

Even the glare from the tv

Doesn't help you

My anxiety is like

Smoking choking me

From a fire nobody egnighted

Removing the oxygen from

My body, as my thoughts

Overrule my mind for second

My vision blurry

My boyfriend telling me

To breath, to calm down

That i'm okay and we'll get

Through this

That I won't wake up

Terrified because the dreams

I have aren't sugarland anymore

But ruled by monsters I face

In real life

That one day I'll be free

Have the apartment I always dreamed

The dreams that I voiced out

In words but everyone told me

Were hopless

I know its hopeless

For 18 year i never thought

I'd make it this far

Every birthday was a mark

I never cared for

So when you tell me

My path is empty

That I'm going nowhere in

Life

Your just adding to my struggles

I'm trying to damn well survive

Because midnight showers

Crying in a bath tub surrounded

By the demons repeating the

Cruel words you said until

I start crying, and screaming

"Shut UP! i know"

I believe them

I believe you

I know I'm a lost cause

I fear you.

My anxiety is who I am

If I loose the only thing

Thats helped me live

The creativity to the words I speak

The part of me that grew older

Than the age on my birth certificate

Maybe you'll listen

Or maybe you'll just continue

Being a robot to a society

That outcasts the different

Puts down the anxious

And kills of the depressed

Be strong or be dead

That's the life we live in

This Is How Life Goes

It sickning

How far you let yourself go

From eating, to starving

Saying this is how life goes

Your starving going hungry

Your mind is dizzy and

Your health is like a number scale

Weighing down your shoulders

Like the rest of your life is

Your busy playing mommy

While dad is up in heaven

While your real mother is

Too busy crying over

The picture in the mirror

Your sick, sick of this habit

Of looking at yourself

In the mirror wondering

Why are you so big

When you eat so little

The mother cried today

Complaining about her weight

Even though her weight is

Perfect, you still have to listen

To the sound of her throwing

Out her food in the kitchen

While the 16 year old spits out

Fowel words so vile

You dont even know where

She heard it from

But your not allowed to

Correct her, your a fool if you do

She'll turn into a great actress

And say she'll take her life

Yet she wont its all an act

The youngest sister is an

Eater,  97 pounds overweight

Battling the idea of diabeties

While she stuffs her face with cake

While the mother sucks on

Her cancer stick

This is it

This is my fucking life

Playing referee to whoever

Raises their knee

Hoping to get a peace of

Sleep while the 16 year old

Screams about woman

In ways she shouldn't know

But thats my life

Picking up my mother when she falls

Even though the 16 year old heard

It all she ignores it because

Her phone is more important

This is MY life

Where I forget about the pain

Burried in my back and the limp

In my hip as the vile rises in

My throat hiding the scream

Locked in my throat

But it doesnt come out

Because I have to stay silent

This is who I am the

Robot who forgets.

Don't I Wait

Don't I wait, that who I am

The girl who waits for

Your undying attention

Like a fresh glass of water

In a hot desert

Don't I wait, for your

Eyes to look at me with

Unconditional love so pure

It would make the skies scream

Don't I wait, for your lips

To kiss my skin like lovers

Making love for the last time

True passion in their embrace

Don't I wait, for your hands

To put down the controller

To a game far from reality

To hold me tight in your arms

Like a serpant holding its prey

Don't I wait, for your anger

To subside and your voice to

Flow calmly with the waves

As my body is comforted

By your warm embrace

Don't I wait, when I feel

The rays of emotionless pain

Roll off you, peircing my skin

Like knives at a murder scene

Don't I wait, for you to understand

A simple question as time

Ticks ats at my skin like a

Wood chipper at my skin

Piece by piece I fade

Don't I wait, for the loving

Words to leave your mouth

Yet when they fly through the

Air they are like daggers, making

A home in my heart to bleed

Don't I wait, for you to

Open the door and call me babe

Cause you left for a short time

But it felt like eternity

Don't I wait, for your attention

To find me brilliantly fascinating

For you to want to see every inch

Of what makes me so special

Don't I wait,  I wait for you

Every time you speak that word

Its like a hurricane inside my head

Because you never see that I

Always wait.

Don't I wait, for you to

Lay beside me with your warmth

Embracing my soul

As you sleep next to me encasing

My mind with plesent dreams

That only you create for me

I wait, I will wait until the sky

Turns black midday and the

Stars fall from the sky and

Crash into my chest killing

The feels that haunt my heart

Its like sandman created this

Heaven for me inside your eyes

And I love every moment of my

Reality, because your my happy

Ending

I wait, I always do

Forever and ever

For you

Cracked Nail Polish

She was like a mirror
With no reflection
A empty canvas
Without an artist

She was lost in the abyss
Of Stress and Anger
Belittled and Worthless
Unloved and Uncared for

No mother to be proud of her
A father who she never knew, who died
Siblings who were far greater, in societies eyes
Friends who vanish into the unknown
When needed

She was empty
A failure in the eyes of the beholder
She was the first chip on a cup when it breaks
Pushed to the back of the cupboard
So nobody sees her mistakes

She was the darkness in the night,
The one you quickly left for the light
She was the freezing temperature
that froze your gentle skin

She was the women nobody saw
The won who braved the storm, and rid the waves
Of sadness and pain
But She knew her place

She feared Dolls
And beard Stubble
Hands in the dark and loud voices
She was Unique, But Plain

She was Imperfect
In ways you wouldn't understand
She was Perfect
In ways you wish you did
She was a Warrior
In battles most never one

Nobody Could Take that away
She was the crack in your nail polish
The one you tried to save
By putting on another coat of Happiness
To mask the pain

But even a crack can be beautiful
She found beauty in the Ugly
She will be okay
Because under the cracked nail polish
There is always a base

To build a new foundation
To build a new way
Because even if the first layer cracks
She will always find a way
to
SURVIVE

Broken Home

We all want to run away

When things aren't going as planned

When tears are near falling 

and your fists are clenched in anger

Or when your sister is crying 

because mom yelled at her

Or when the middle child gave up on life

because mother gave up on her

Or when the mother yells because nobody

does anything in the house

Yet me the oldest does everything along side

her boyfriend who puts up with

it all and nobody says nothing

for nothing is ever heard

even if you screamed

it's like you're mute

no words come out

nobody cares...

When you're the one cooking and feeding

your siblings because your mother

Uses here stroke as an excuse

to get by with her motherly duties

When you have school, and graduating

to worry about yet all you

do is slave over the sink cleaning dishes

that were already done

How can you smile when you're the mother

and the real one is to dedicated to her phone

texting one of many guys that want to 

"get with her"

Because she labeled herself as a slut

over one heartbreak

How can you ever be free when

all you do is work

How can you smile when

every time you try you hear your mother

say

"if I fall its your fault"

"if I die, you'll be fine without me"

It's like there is a clock inside

your brain going

tick tock, tick tock, tick tock 

ready to explode

So much time to wait

so little patience

So much anger, so little happiness

 How can you keep fighting

When you are constantly crying

in your boyfriends arms

cause your mom says you're

 not good enough

Cause you're jeans are too big

When nothing you do is good enough,

When asking for money is too much

When needing new clothes is impossible

because your other sisters 

are more important

So you're tired

You close your eyes

you'll never win

Maybe one day

You'll have you're own apartment

Your own family 

You're own happiness

Working toward a good life

not the prison you are

currently trapped in

Shouldn't of existed

If I could erase the feeling of your skin

The taste of your lips

the way your eyes burn into mine

and the feeling of your chest beating against mine

If evey night I lay alone 

I could erase the memory of you being beside me

Every night until I close my eyes

I would

If my heart did numb in my chest

at the sound of your name

and my soul crush slowly with the feeling of

your lips on my neck

maybe I'd be okay

If I could forget your existence just for a second

Forget that we breath the same air

and walk down on the same earth

maybe my lungs wouldn't feel like they were gonna burst

If just for a minute I could go back and time

and take all the memories  you have given me

and burn them in a flame as big as the sky

I would

Because my love for you was like a diamond

I uncovered it when it looked like a rock

I polished it and made it look beautiful

but you threw it away like it wasn't 

worth enough

But now I cannot breath like I use too

now my heart is numb

my emotions are chaotic

but I will be alright

Because my acting

has grown beautifully

and my sin has became enchanting

I have learned to turn off

my everything

because of a love

that never should've existed

Sinful

 Silence

As your lips speak

Almost pure loving words

that make me happy inside

You think I believe those words

When I know your lips

Are just caked with sin

Because that is your title

It's in your job description

to build me up like a structure

and then watch me crumble

when i cannot be used anymore

Your words use to be my heaven

Making my my heart sore

Now your words are my hell

making blood bleed from my wrist

You were sinful

like a broken record skipping

You used to treat me like brand new

Now i am nothing but a used

rag unusable in your eyes

I thought I was worth the world

But your crushed it in your hands

Had me pinned inside a cage

Unable to move

When I broke free you laughed at my efforts

Told me I'd come back crying

But I didn't because 

Your sinful heart

wasn't good enough

For My Soul

My Body

Or

My Mind