Music Notes

Music notes cover my body

 So many lyrics to describe 

The things I've went through 

The silent song of pain 

 Humming along with the Beautiful melody 

Swallowing each lyric

 Like my oxygen

 Can't live without my music

 Without having something

 Flowing through my veins

 Beautiful words that keep Me living

 Music, lyrics, notes of My pain laid in layers 

Never to be explained in words

 Like shaking in a corner

 I love this, love the music 

My healing glow

 The thing that saves me From the demons within

 Can you hear the meaning 

Behind ever lyric

 Flowing through your ears

 Can you connect to them 

Do they play out on your skin

 Run through your veins

 Like rich blood

 So beautiful 

So true

 So mistical 

 My life in song

 My life on my skin 

 Without music I wouldn't be alive 

My ear buds of freedom 

The moment they r in my ear

 All the horror is gone

 And I'm floating, all I see Is your lips moving 

 Silently, cause

  I cannot hear Anything but 

My savior called music

Waiting In the rain

The pouring rain soaking me

 As I wait for you to arrive

 The building pain inside my chest 

as I know you may not come 

The thunder and lighting

 Striking all around me

 The wind howling

 I know its dangerous

 But I wait for you

 I beg on my knees

 My white dress I wore for you

 My hair soaked, slowly curling

 My makeup running

 Will I still be beautiful 

I forgot to wear a coat 

 Its so cold, 

my skin has froze

 Tears are already falling from my eyes

 Where are you, you promised

 I feel my heart pound

 Thump, thump thump

 Where are you?

 Thump thump thump

 Where are you?

 Thump thump thump

 I need you!!!!

 The cold so uncomfortable

 I slowly cannot breath

 The feeling in my body

 Has slowly gone numb 

 As I fall to the ground

 My knees and legs gave out 

My eyes have gone heavy

 My heart its so weak

 I slowly see darkness

 In the pouring rain

 I waited for you, 

always for you

 No matter what the weather 

Where are you 

As I fall unconscious

 All I can say through

 My dry cracked blue lips Is 'I love you'

The Coldness

cold, the ice building inside my heart
I can barely feel it beating
Its already broken so badly

Emptiness, is what I feel
The big black hole of nothing
Killing me until I can’t breath anymore

Dark red dripping blood falling from my wrists
Falling from my lips
Is this the taste of pain
That’s dripping from the depth of my heart

Is this the feeling of complete
Insanity
Where I cannot feel
Where the coldness it etched into my eyes
And makes people hate the sight of me

Is this where my kindness ends
Where I stop caring anymore
Where everything becomes funny
And I stop loving a soul
Oh how delicious that sounds

He broke it, the man I love
He killed me, the man I love
He ended me, the man I love
He changed me, the man I love
And know I met the darkness
I was always meant to be

Alone, is what I will be
Cold is what I am
Silent is my heart
And love with never be found

A silent empty soul
Living alone
Is what I will always be

Until he comes and finds
Me

The Insanity, called love

I want your love, your body heat
The sweet kisses on my neck
The tingling of your hands gliding on my hip

I want your lips on mine
Your tongue swirling around mine
The feeling of electricity running through my veins

I want your body against mine
The warmth of your embrace
Your whispers that drive me crazy
Your hands that make me crave
Things I never once did

I want your eyes only on me
As mine are always on you
I want to be your angel
As you my treasure

I need you with me, my heart yearns for you
A million different stars out there and I only think of you

I do not know the meaning of living without you
You are the puzzle that’s missing in the mess I call my life

Everything is falling apart without you here, I want to run and crumble, but always stop and think of you
My dreams have been invaded by helpless dreams of you

Things we have done
Things we can do
Our future, Our love
Damn i need you

So come to me again
And I’ll stay in your arms
Never to leave again
Because you are where I belong

I tried

I didn't ask for this

I didn't want this

To be cornered without a way out

Forced into something I never wished for

A candle a year, wishing for change

Blow it out and make a wish

Everything change's

Nothing stays the same

The monsters keep winning

their stuck in my head

I stopped praying

for life to get better

the marks on my skin 

keep getting deeper

I want to feel better

Stop the tears on my cheeks

But nobody holds me

And tells me i'm okay

I tried to deal with my problems

keep them all on the inside

but they built so high

I blew up and cried

I destroyed my room

The one that gives me nightmares

I destroyed the things

I loved the most

I destroyed the love

I wanted so badly

I destroyed me 

Becuase the mirror couldn't take it

I gave up

Because I don't know

Who the demon in the mirror is

Is that girl really me

Or the dying one underneath

Love Without You I'm Broken

Love, ah I know it so well
The taste of his lips how could I forget
The warmth of his embrace like the sun on my skin

The memories like tattoos imprinted into my skin
I gave you my heart, you cradled it in your hands
You feared you might break it
You held it with such care

A kiss on the hand
When you held me in your arms
"Your body, Your heart, your soul it belongs to me, nobody can ever take you away, I love you with all my heart"

Each word you whispered in my
Ear, was like heaven in my heart You made me believe I was worth it
You made me believe in me

When you left it broke me
I cried and cried, still haven’t stopped, I feel so empty and broken without you
I can’t decide what to do

I try to move on but my heart tells me not too,
A conflict between what is right and what is wrong I battle my heart and mind
I should forgett and move on
But I love you so much and my heart needs you

Each night I lay away un-shed tears in my eyes,
 as I wish for your embrace, pleading to god for just one more chance
I love you, I can’t stop

It was so true, so pure
I could never get enough
You were the puzzle that fit in with mine

I need you come back, I broken with out you, I need you, I love you,
 You bring out the best in me, I need you, I love you,
You help me follow my dreams
You are my rock, my sun, my other have of my soul

So please
Give it another chance
I love you
And without you
I’m just broken without a purpose anymore.

I Can't See My Self-Worth

I look in the mirror and wonder am I worth it
I sit and think, my head goes numb

I can’t seem to see what I’m worth
Because I’ve never been worth anything
The names ive been called
Are all around me

The memories that make me sick are still there
The ugly demon replacing myself in the mirror laughing at me
My fist imprinted into the glass, glass shattered

Blood falling a mess is what I made
Of my very own existence
The lies I’ve told to protect the ones I love
The pain I hide everyday
And nobody knows what’s wrong

I grab my hair and pull
Tears stream down my face
What the hell am I worth
I can’t see it anymore

Pain, I feel it
Life I see it
Hate I know it
Why the hell am I trying

What am I worth
Am I worth more than the shit
I have faced
Am I worth more than the mud on my face

Am I worth more than every lie I told
What can I possibly be worth
I am not beautiful
I’m fat, ugly, and worthless
That’s what I am

No mirror I can stand cause
I stopped seeing who I am
All I see is that demon
Laughing at me

As I slowly fall apart
And will never be the same again
So don’t ask me if I know
What I am worth

Because ill laugh and lie
But the truth is I’m worth nothing more than
That hopeless little girl crying in the corner hidding from the monsters
 under her bed that haunt her forever

The Me On The Inside

I’m the girl you do not see
The one hidden in the depths of me
The girl that’s weak and hates herself

I’m that girl, who smiles in class
Even when I want to hide
I’m the girl that laughs
When I can’t find a thing that’s funny

I’m that girl who Cry’s when she’s alone and cant let anybody hear
I’m that girl who muffles her cries so mommy doesn't hear
I’m the girl that hides her pain
So her little sisters don’t follow

I’m the girl who cries herself to sleep so many times
She wonders how many tears she has left
I’m the girl who never tells if she doesn’t feel okay
I’m the girl who lies when people ask if I’m alright

I’m the girl who’s not aloud to speak of her depression
Cause its a faze and it’ll go away mommy says
I’m the girl who keeps having her heart broken and never repaired,
 I’m the girl with secrets

I’m the girl who can’t stand looking herself in the mirror,
 who hides behind makeup
Who cuts her skin but nobody notices cause
nobody believes she capable of something like that

I’m the girl who muffles her screams when her heart is in pain
I’m the girl who knows more than she should
I’m the girl who wishes for more but never gets it
I’m the depressed little girl living on the inside of the girl you see everyday


The girl who faces the demons and is afraid and scared
The girl who you would never guess lives inside me
The weak little girl who doesn’t care anymore.
This is the little girl you’ll never truly meet.

Your disappointed in Useless me!!!

You look at me in disappointment for I could not follow your ways of life

You look at me in disgust for I

Felt differently toward how life is

when I speak you only listen to the

Words you desire to hear

You ignore the pain in my voice

It doesn’t exist to your ears

I close my door and hide from

Your judgmental eyes as you tell me

I need to rethink my decision

Of liking girls and guys

You tell me you accept me

But your hateful words speak otherwise

How can I keep fighting with you at my side

I come to you with tears and you kindly ask what wrong 

I tell you I have depression

You yell at me and say I’m wrong

You tell me this is a faze I forgot that

Down the road, Ill become successful and have a husband and not be on my own

But my demons tell me to

Cry and scream and holler

But nobody will hear me plead

They say I’m alone

And my mommy will not save me

They tell me she hates me and

Judges me behind closed doors

I know it’s true I’ve heard her hate full words

I look in the mirror and cry

For the evil little words judging

My reflection stopped giving me the confidence

The scars that build on my wrist

Prove that I must keep it all inside

Because nobody wants to hear my silent cries

So alone is what I am

Afraid is how I feel

Stupid is the world

And nobody will ever care about

Somebody as useless as me

Greatest Sin

Nothing but silence

As your lips whisper into my ear

Loving words that make me

Happy to hear

Your warm embrace sends me

Wishing for something more

But all you give me is promises

Your never going to keep

I gave my heart to you 

But you never gave yours back

When I try to end it all 

You give a little back

I don’t understand why you 

Won’t let me go, if you really

Don’t want me with you

While things are tough I fight

While things are rough I pray

I give you all my love but

I’m left alone in the dark

I tell you all my secrets 

But you keep yours silent

I tell you all my dreams 

You put them down

What kind of love is this

Not kind but evil

I hate you

But love you

And this is my greatest sin

Remembrance Of Love That Now Ended!

Uncontrollable tears fall from my eyes

As I look into yours 

Everything we had is over

And all I have are memories

Of times when…

I use to touch your face

Carve your touch into my skin

Each moan I let slip to only your ears, were sacred

Your hands were the artist 

My body was your canvas

Your lips were the paint

Your tongue the paint brush

You drove me insane by

The smallest words

The smallest touch

The smallest whisper

I would beg you for more 

And you would give me the world

I pleaded for help you were my knight in shining armour

I said my words the three 

Words I told myself to keep

I trust you like no other 

You were my Angel from heaven

I love you, I’d whisper as I laid in your arms

Your warmth, surrounded me as your heart beat gave me hope

Your kisses saying goodnight

Your texts full of warmth and light

Happiness was the feeling

All you could bring

Jealousy, I never felt it, you made it clear to me you only love me

Anger, it never could stay it flew away and left us with forgiveness

Every morning of the sky’s 

We looked up and prayed that

This would never end

That we’d always stay together

In each other’s embrace

But now I look forward and see where I am, alone and empty 

Your gone from my head 

The air around me cold and dry 

No more tissues to blow

No more tears to cry

I have nothing left 

I knew we had more than just a kiss

For my heart is scream love 

But it also screams pain

It wants you back over and over

Its screaming for you, but your silence is deafening like a poisonous joke

And now while I lie here and let

Death take over, the pain

I feel is like dying all over

I’ll whisper those words

For your ears only 

Its simple and sweet

"I love you"

Can you guess Or Do you know?

Do you know the secret I hid

The one that leaves me screaming 

At night, pinned down 

By hands that lead to darkness

Dirty hands on my body

Never to be erased

Sick and twisted smile

That so many believed in

Nightmares taken over

The memories replayed 

Would they make you sick

To know what I’ve been through

To know that I’m a victim

Of something so cruel 

When I try to speak it

I can’t even breath

Threats against the ones I love

A loud yelling voice telling me

‘You belong to me’

I feel so sick when I look in the mirror

The poisonous touch tattooed 

To my skin, no matter how much

I scratch, cut and try to erase it

Forever carved into my skin

I look into the mirror

And I already know 

My past is jaded 

My heart weak 

I want to give up, I can’t do it anymore

A man in black, standing waiting

Do you know what that means

I fear him, the man in black

Like a sickening feeling

Sending me puking

Fear it’s runs through my veins

Taking over my body 

As I hide in the corner 

Pleading he’ll never return

When you look at me do 

You know what I have suffered

Do you see the pain hidden 

Behind my smile

When I flinch at loud voices 

Shake in the dark

Almost cry when cornered

Something happened but I never told

The fear of being judged

Of being laughed at 

Of being the victim that nobody sees the same

Do you see, I’m afraid

I want to come clean

But I can’t breath

I have nothing

I am nothing

You don’t know what I have suffered

You don’t know the evil I have faced

But if you did would you look at me the same or would you walk

Because I am tainted 

By something 

That you’ll never guess

Never understand

I’m something you’ll never want

Monsters And Secrets

Running from the monster

That will eat you while you sleep

Devouring our hopes and dreams

And leaving us with nightmares

Screaming with our lungs 

Crying with our eyes

We don't want to see 

The memories we ran 

From

The monsters make us weak

The voices make us crazy 

The hands make us 

Untouchable

We want yo speak to spread

The truth behind the nightmares

We do not want pity

The stares, The reactions

It's scary, we want to run

We fear, the judge-mental words

We hate the way they look at us 

When they want to say those

words we hate the most

They wont't want us 

They won't need us

They'll constantly judge us, watch us

Avoiding the subject like it might

Hurt us

I will not tell my secret

Of being handled like a toy

By a man who was a monster

Who I hate with my being

The one who tainted me with wrinkled hands

But that's a secret I will never te;;

For I do not deserve freedom

I'm a broken little girl

In a big girls body

Who stop believing in love and fairy tales

Because they don't exist 

You loved me, lied and Now I dream.

I told you a secret, you held me

in you arms 

I told you a lie and you looked deep,

inside my eyes and knew the truth

When I screamed for help

You heard

When I cried all alone you  took

my hand and let me breath

Your Kisses gave me life

Your hugs gave me reason

And you life was my purpose

Without you I had nothing 

You whispered those kind words

I never thought I could hear

You said you love, and for one I 

felt happiness

But then life got rough for you, and you

ran away from me

Your eyes that once held glory and light, slowly

Turned dark with hatred

You walked and never looked back

I pleaded for a explanation, a reason why

but none never came

I sat in disgrace, I felt the hate, 

The regret and pain

I couldn't understand why, you left

All I wanted was your love again

Out you looked away

I begged you not to leave me

But you laughed in my face

I cried myself to sleep and cut

The wrists I promised I never 

Would but Like the promises you broke

I broke mine

I had nothing to begin with, But

Then you gave me hope, And as a broken heart

You ripped it all away

And now I have nothing, But a tainted heart and Wrists

Memories that leave me crying,

And Pain that leaves me dying

The love I felt is so real, But

I cut to numb the pain, I look in the mirror in hatred

Knowing it's never good enough

The demons inside my head, Criticize me in every way

They tear apart my insides, And make me all alone

But nobody hears my silent screams

My cries for help all the time

Each cut I do, I let it Heal so

Nobody see's the pain I inflict 

But I am nothing but a broken soul

Wishing for you but to never have

I want love again but know it will never be

Love, Acceptance it's just a dream

And dreams never become reality