Mother, Not A Mom

Why?
What did I do to
Deserve this torture
Your heartless world
Pouring into mine

Your my mother!
Yet you act like a child
Stopping your feet when
The world doesn't bow
Down to your ankles

Your disgusting,
Your my mother but
The word mom doesn't
Apply too you

If i looked in the dictionary
I wouldn't find you, I can't
Say I'm ashamed of you
Your my mother for fuck
Sakes

I'm ashamed of your choices
The way you live your life
I'm ashamed of your views
And how you dictate the
People around you into
Painful categories

I am a "pussy licker"
Because I like woman just
As I like men, yet you told
Your 13 year old daughter
She's better of dead

Yet your not homophobic
But you'd disown me if
I explored the part of
Me I must ignore

But your my mother, i have
To love you
For 18 years you raised me
Even if it felt like I raised
Myself because you were
Stuck in the past of the
Way you were raised.

Fuck! Why do you make
Me mad? Why do you say shit like that?
Every daughter wants to here you say
Maybe I should die today
You want to kill yourself but its
A joke

Tomorrow you will be lecturing me
On showing of my boobs because
You should flaunt want your mother
Gave you, yet hate me when I say
I rather wear this that covers

You taught me how to never be
Greedy, yet your guilty of it so strongly
I took back a christmas present
To SUPPORT your family, because
Your trapped by the habit that
Hits your lips with nicotine

Yet I was wrong?
For only giving you the money owed
You wanted more and I said no
So you threatened to call the cops
On your daughter, for a present
You gave her, it was her choice

You act like a child, yet I love you
You expect me to be like you, yet tell
Me to be myself
I can NEVER please you, you find a
Way to mentally abuse my thoughts

I'm a fat cow, every 15 year old wants to here
Ypur mother telling you to count the calories
Yet your curvy, your gorgeous men will love
Those curves!
Your a whore, a slut for loosing your
Virginity so young

Yet you were a stripper at 18!
Had your first child as 13
Yet everything I do seems like
Hell is freezing over, you push your
Beliefs on me like I care about them

I try and raise my sisters right
Yet you push them in the wrong
Allow family to call me a slut
Allow people to push me around
Until I fucking had enough

I LOVE YOU
But your killing me, remember
When I first started cutting
You walked back out and ignored
What was happening because
Your views on depression are
Non-existent

Your my mother, you birthed me
Yet the title of a mom I cannot give you
I use to believe you'd change, but you
Broke every promise you ever made
I turned into a child you couldn't control
I'm sorry I cannot be your mold

Mom, your a painter who
Needs to control her painting
I broke free from the canvas
You were creating
I am YOUR child, but I am my OWN person

I'm sorry mother,
I'm sorry for your shame
I'm sorry for not being good enough
I'm sorry for calling you names
Yet the words tingling in my throat
Overpowering my mind in a instant

I can't take it back, but it wasn't my fault
I was trying to make you see but
Your blinded by your stupidity
I am your daughter, You are my mother
But you'll never be a mom.

I love you,
I wish I could make you happy
But your permanent scowl has taught me the truth
Your never happy unless its you
Unless everything falls to your ankles
And i willingly give my existence to you

I wish you could understand
I wish my words meant something today
I wish you could hear the cries inside my
Mind late at night while my boyfriend tells
Me I'll be alright.

Your mental abuse will last years
Your verbal with last centuries
They are enternal scars that remain
You are my mother, You were there
When it was easy and ran when it mattered

I wish I could say I was proud
I can't and I'm sorry
If you died I would miss you
I love you after alll

But in the end your a mother
But you will never be my mom

Within The Cages

I tried, I tried to talk myself out of the late night
voices that call out to me
while I'm sound asleep

Voices that sound like
demons, their claws gripping
my neck with a tight grasp
draining the oxygen from
my body like a straw

their bold black eyes staring
into my soul, filling me with
misery to feast upon 
as there teeth expand to finish
me off

My eyes are dead, emotionless
Still to the echoing words that
this monster inject me with,
through his claws that puncture
my bleeding kneck

I feel my my heart thump in
my chest, the sound mimicking
drums at a fast pace speading
up as I get closer to my death

The it stops, the demons retreats
My air is back, I gulp in oxygen
like it's a second skin glued to mine
My eyes water, the pain I once felt
nothing but a nightmare

Thick purple scars, rung around
my neck like a tatoo, I didn't want
I look down to my hands as instanity
Climbs into my skin like vines from
a plant finding new soil to root in

Hallucinations fly around me like
a fly whose wing was broken feeding
me images of things that aren't real
My mouth is dry, my tears have died

I panic, my screams come out mute
I can't talk, my voice ripped away from
Me from the demon, whose claws are hands
Smirking at me in the distance

"I will take away your ability to create" He said,
His voice like glass shattering in the wind
Like dragging your nail across a chalkboard
Your ears bleed from his voice, shivers up your spine

His plans are simple, insanity brews
Your mind isn't safe from the demons within
They feast upon your words, your safety net
To take them away, and feast on your head

To ruin your mind, and find what you hid
From the world you deny being apart of
You can run, but you can never hide
From the demons who sleep within

The cages of your mind

Underestimate

Nobody truly understands

My battles, the ones I try

Too win,  closing off the monsters

Living within

I am suicidal

But I don't want to die

But the thoughts plague me

And there's no where to hide

Did you hear me?

I DON'T want to die

Your so quick to assume

Thats I hate my life that bad

But in reality I just can't

Figure out how to fit in

My brain is like a clock

Batteries never running out

Ticking away all ours of the

Night, the sound driving me

Insane, but I can't turn it off

Even when my eyes are so heavy

And I feel like I might collaspe

My brain keeps going

Trying to win

But you don't see my struggle

Nobody does

They choose to live their life

Ignoring the people around them

Like a shadow, you know its there

But you pay it no mind

Have you ever asked how it

Feels late at night, while you

Stare at the ceiling and suddenly

The feeling haunts you crawling

Up your skin, line vines finding

A new place to grow

It's terrifying as you watch

The darkness surround you

Even the glare from the tv

Doesn't help you

My anxiety is like

Smoking choking me

From a fire nobody egnighted

Removing the oxygen from

My body, as my thoughts

Overrule my mind for second

My vision blurry

My boyfriend telling me

To breath, to calm down

That i'm okay and we'll get

Through this

That I won't wake up

Terrified because the dreams

I have aren't sugarland anymore

But ruled by monsters I face

In real life

That one day I'll be free

Have the apartment I always dreamed

The dreams that I voiced out

In words but everyone told me

Were hopless

I know its hopeless

For 18 year i never thought

I'd make it this far

Every birthday was a mark

I never cared for

So when you tell me

My path is empty

That I'm going nowhere in

Life

Your just adding to my struggles

I'm trying to damn well survive

Because midnight showers

Crying in a bath tub surrounded

By the demons repeating the

Cruel words you said until

I start crying, and screaming

"Shut UP! i know"

I believe them

I believe you

I know I'm a lost cause

I fear you.

My anxiety is who I am

If I loose the only thing

Thats helped me live

The creativity to the words I speak

The part of me that grew older

Than the age on my birth certificate

Maybe you'll listen

Or maybe you'll just continue

Being a robot to a society

That outcasts the different

Puts down the anxious

And kills of the depressed

Be strong or be dead

That's the life we live in

This Is How Life Goes

It sickning

How far you let yourself go

From eating, to starving

Saying this is how life goes

Your starving going hungry

Your mind is dizzy and

Your health is like a number scale

Weighing down your shoulders

Like the rest of your life is

Your busy playing mommy

While dad is up in heaven

While your real mother is

Too busy crying over

The picture in the mirror

Your sick, sick of this habit

Of looking at yourself

In the mirror wondering

Why are you so big

When you eat so little

The mother cried today

Complaining about her weight

Even though her weight is

Perfect, you still have to listen

To the sound of her throwing

Out her food in the kitchen

While the 16 year old spits out

Fowel words so vile

You dont even know where

She heard it from

But your not allowed to

Correct her, your a fool if you do

She'll turn into a great actress

And say she'll take her life

Yet she wont its all an act

The youngest sister is an

Eater,  97 pounds overweight

Battling the idea of diabeties

While she stuffs her face with cake

While the mother sucks on

Her cancer stick

This is it

This is my fucking life

Playing referee to whoever

Raises their knee

Hoping to get a peace of

Sleep while the 16 year old

Screams about woman

In ways she shouldn't know

But thats my life

Picking up my mother when she falls

Even though the 16 year old heard

It all she ignores it because

Her phone is more important

This is MY life

Where I forget about the pain

Burried in my back and the limp

In my hip as the vile rises in

My throat hiding the scream

Locked in my throat

But it doesnt come out

Because I have to stay silent

This is who I am the

Robot who forgets.

Don't I Wait

Don't I wait, that who I am

The girl who waits for

Your undying attention

Like a fresh glass of water

In a hot desert

Don't I wait, for your

Eyes to look at me with

Unconditional love so pure

It would make the skies scream

Don't I wait, for your lips

To kiss my skin like lovers

Making love for the last time

True passion in their embrace

Don't I wait, for your hands

To put down the controller

To a game far from reality

To hold me tight in your arms

Like a serpant holding its prey

Don't I wait, for your anger

To subside and your voice to

Flow calmly with the waves

As my body is comforted

By your warm embrace

Don't I wait, when I feel

The rays of emotionless pain

Roll off you, peircing my skin

Like knives at a murder scene

Don't I wait, for you to understand

A simple question as time

Ticks ats at my skin like a

Wood chipper at my skin

Piece by piece I fade

Don't I wait, for the loving

Words to leave your mouth

Yet when they fly through the

Air they are like daggers, making

A home in my heart to bleed

Don't I wait, for you to

Open the door and call me babe

Cause you left for a short time

But it felt like eternity

Don't I wait, for your attention

To find me brilliantly fascinating

For you to want to see every inch

Of what makes me so special

Don't I wait,  I wait for you

Every time you speak that word

Its like a hurricane inside my head

Because you never see that I

Always wait.

Don't I wait, for you to

Lay beside me with your warmth

Embracing my soul

As you sleep next to me encasing

My mind with plesent dreams

That only you create for me

I wait, I will wait until the sky

Turns black midday and the

Stars fall from the sky and

Crash into my chest killing

The feels that haunt my heart

Its like sandman created this

Heaven for me inside your eyes

And I love every moment of my

Reality, because your my happy

Ending

I wait, I always do

Forever and ever

For you

Cracked Nail Polish

She was like a mirror
With no reflection
A empty canvas
Without an artist

She was lost in the abyss
Of Stress and Anger
Belittled and Worthless
Unloved and Uncared for

No mother to be proud of her
A father who she never knew, who died
Siblings who were far greater, in societies eyes
Friends who vanish into the unknown
When needed

She was empty
A failure in the eyes of the beholder
She was the first chip on a cup when it breaks
Pushed to the back of the cupboard
So nobody sees her mistakes

She was the darkness in the night,
The one you quickly left for the light
She was the freezing temperature
that froze your gentle skin

She was the women nobody saw
The won who braved the storm, and rid the waves
Of sadness and pain
But She knew her place

She feared Dolls
And beard Stubble
Hands in the dark and loud voices
She was Unique, But Plain

She was Imperfect
In ways you wouldn't understand
She was Perfect
In ways you wish you did
She was a Warrior
In battles most never one

Nobody Could Take that away
She was the crack in your nail polish
The one you tried to save
By putting on another coat of Happiness
To mask the pain

But even a crack can be beautiful
She found beauty in the Ugly
She will be okay
Because under the cracked nail polish
There is always a base

To build a new foundation
To build a new way
Because even if the first layer cracks
She will always find a way
to
SURVIVE