Mother, Not A Mom

Why?
What did I do to
Deserve this torture
Your heartless world
Pouring into mine

Your my mother!
Yet you act like a child
Stopping your feet when
The world doesn't bow
Down to your ankles

Your disgusting,
Your my mother but
The word mom doesn't
Apply too you

If i looked in the dictionary
I wouldn't find you, I can't
Say I'm ashamed of you
Your my mother for fuck
Sakes

I'm ashamed of your choices
The way you live your life
I'm ashamed of your views
And how you dictate the
People around you into
Painful categories

I am a "pussy licker"
Because I like woman just
As I like men, yet you told
Your 13 year old daughter
She's better of dead

Yet your not homophobic
But you'd disown me if
I explored the part of
Me I must ignore

But your my mother, i have
To love you
For 18 years you raised me
Even if it felt like I raised
Myself because you were
Stuck in the past of the
Way you were raised.

Fuck! Why do you make
Me mad? Why do you say shit like that?
Every daughter wants to here you say
Maybe I should die today
You want to kill yourself but its
A joke

Tomorrow you will be lecturing me
On showing of my boobs because
You should flaunt want your mother
Gave you, yet hate me when I say
I rather wear this that covers

You taught me how to never be
Greedy, yet your guilty of it so strongly
I took back a christmas present
To SUPPORT your family, because
Your trapped by the habit that
Hits your lips with nicotine

Yet I was wrong?
For only giving you the money owed
You wanted more and I said no
So you threatened to call the cops
On your daughter, for a present
You gave her, it was her choice

You act like a child, yet I love you
You expect me to be like you, yet tell
Me to be myself
I can NEVER please you, you find a
Way to mentally abuse my thoughts

I'm a fat cow, every 15 year old wants to here
Ypur mother telling you to count the calories
Yet your curvy, your gorgeous men will love
Those curves!
Your a whore, a slut for loosing your
Virginity so young

Yet you were a stripper at 18!
Had your first child as 13
Yet everything I do seems like
Hell is freezing over, you push your
Beliefs on me like I care about them

I try and raise my sisters right
Yet you push them in the wrong
Allow family to call me a slut
Allow people to push me around
Until I fucking had enough

I LOVE YOU
But your killing me, remember
When I first started cutting
You walked back out and ignored
What was happening because
Your views on depression are
Non-existent

Your my mother, you birthed me
Yet the title of a mom I cannot give you
I use to believe you'd change, but you
Broke every promise you ever made
I turned into a child you couldn't control
I'm sorry I cannot be your mold

Mom, your a painter who
Needs to control her painting
I broke free from the canvas
You were creating
I am YOUR child, but I am my OWN person

I'm sorry mother,
I'm sorry for your shame
I'm sorry for not being good enough
I'm sorry for calling you names
Yet the words tingling in my throat
Overpowering my mind in a instant

I can't take it back, but it wasn't my fault
I was trying to make you see but
Your blinded by your stupidity
I am your daughter, You are my mother
But you'll never be a mom.

I love you,
I wish I could make you happy
But your permanent scowl has taught me the truth
Your never happy unless its you
Unless everything falls to your ankles
And i willingly give my existence to you

I wish you could understand
I wish my words meant something today
I wish you could hear the cries inside my
Mind late at night while my boyfriend tells
Me I'll be alright.

Your mental abuse will last years
Your verbal with last centuries
They are enternal scars that remain
You are my mother, You were there
When it was easy and ran when it mattered

I wish I could say I was proud
I can't and I'm sorry
If you died I would miss you
I love you after alll

But in the end your a mother
But you will never be my mom